I've started and deleted this post five times now since Mother's Day. I had wanted to keep the joy I feel about painting and the blog community somehow separate from the realities of my day to day life. But my painting--or more to the point, my struggle to write and to paint lately--is completely tied to the sense of overwhelm that I feel caring for my mom. She's lived with me for 10 years, was formally diagnosed in 2006, and since Christmas has needed help with almost all tasks. I used to take heart that at least she remembered my name. On Mother's Day, we took a short walk in the park, and she asked what my name is. If this sounds like a bid for sympathy, it's not. Just my admission that I can't keep my life compartmentalized, nor handle it all alone anymore. There are days lately when I feel I'm standing at the edge of a dark abyss, screaming into an empty universe. I know that sounds a tad dramatic. I won't bore you with the details of what life is like other than to say imagine trying to explain what Google is to someone who doesn't remember what tuna fish is, and repeating "it's 4:00. it's Thursday, the clock's in front of you...it's 4:02..it's still Thursday...I didn't change the station, it's a commercial, it's 4:05...." all day, every day to someone you miss with all your heart. A very dear friend is currently helping me interview in-home agencies, so I can reclaim a few hours a week for work and for friends. Thank God for friends.
I know I'm not the only one dealing with a difficult situation, illness or loss. Thanks for bearing with me through this post. I've also received some really nice blog awards, that I promise I will post tomorrow.
The good news is, Mom always has been, and remains, except for a few tantrums over commercials and my not allowing her to get a riding mower, a cheerful soul.
A few photos...
Thailand
Mom, her sister Nancy, my grandmother, Zena
aboard Tres Jolie, Chesapeake Bay
This Mother's Day, in front of our house
Posts
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69 comments:
My goodness Liz, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I am glad that you decided to post about and share your situation, and I will certainly keep you and your mother in my prayers.
My Dad lived with Parkinson's Disease for 18 years, and it's somewhat similar in that memory goes, along with a lot of other related health issues, and it can be a roller coaster ride.
Your Mom is such a lovely woman in these pictures, and what a beautiful wedding gown she wore! My hope for you is that you'll be feeling better and stronger in the days ahead, and that it's just one of those inevitable discouraging patches right now. We had some of those about my Dad's struggles. And I recall that humor helps a lot.
oh, Mona - thank you! You are up late. Humor definitely helps, but it's been a struggle lately. Just exhaustion, I think. I've been sole caregiver (only child). Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry about your Dad. Parkinson's is so difficult for patient and family.
Dear Liz:
Sometimes we just need to express our feelings.
I'm an only child, too, and will have to become a mother to my father very soon. (I thought his second wife would do that, but they got divorced, dammit!!) So, though I can't relate to what you are going through, I can still understand and emphathize with you. All of us know how painful it can be to witness our parents become frail with age. And, having to watch your mother's health erode because of Alzheimers must be very painful and stressful for you. (A friend's father had it, so I know how tragic the memory loss is.)
P.S. She is absolutely beautiful, and, I have tantrums over crappy commercials, too:)
~Nancy
Liz, I give you the courage award, laced with perseverance, endurance, grace, patience and mercy but ultimately LOVE. For it is in the darkest moments are colors show brightest, and yours are beautiful.
Your pain is there but your are a blessing through it.
I've lost both my parent and can only say, seek God his help is real and can sustain you. Please contact me at artbydominique at yahoo dot com for extra venting .
Were proud of you.
Your MAMA has such a lovely smile .
I wish you the best in dealing with what must be so hard, I can't even imagine. Thanks for sharing the wonderful photos, too. You look a lot like she did when she was younger, no?
I have my own very difficult story about my mother, which I may or may not share one of these days on my blog...I keep changing my mind.
How absolutely devastating for you. I looked after my mother from when she was 79 to when she was 94. There was nothing wrong with her yet I used to get so frustrated and sorry for myself! Your situation is a million times worse.Congratulate yourself on the fact that she looks so happy. And keep on painting!
Thoughts are with you Liz. I have no idea of what you're going through and can only send you hugs.
(((((Liz & your mom))))). Your mom is lovely. So glad your friends are near and a help to you. I hope soon you have in-home help to ease the load. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Liz, it must be awful for you. My Grandma has been struggling with Alzheimers for the last two years. This week she has lost the ability to eat, or she cant remember how. We are all anxious and my mum and Aunty are with her most of the time now.
It must be very difficult and frustrating for you on your own, I hope you get some more help. Its good you shared this on your blog even at this difficult time. You come across as a very loving, caring and patient individual and I hope you find some support from your friends and the strength to take this day by day.
I'm sending you my prayers Liz! It's so tough to watch your parent struggle with this disease. My grandmother died of it two years ago and now my seventy year old aunt has it. It's terrible for the people around that have to watch our loved ones mind deteriorate. Stay strong and know that you have people here to support you!
What a hard situation you are in. Life is so hard when traumas hit close to home. Life is fragile. Sending supportive thoughts and a prayer to you. I lost my mom to cancer and then a few years later my dad came down with Lou Gerhig's disease...such hard times when dear, precious parents get old and sick. It is so critical that you take care of your self too. It is good you reach out and express your need.
Its alright to share your sorrows with your blogger friends, the way you share some happy moments with us!My heart goes out to you, Liz.I can see how difficult it must be to see our loved ones in a state like that.Especially those who held our fingers in all our trouble times!Like they say, its God's way of making us stronger.Hang on.....
Hi Liz. During all of this PLEASE remember to take care of YOU. The "patient" is usually well take care of but care givers seem to be on their own.
If it helps, use this forum to vent or share your ups and your downs. Those folks that have and will leave "comments" here care about you.
Warmest regards
Ken B.
Liz, I am so sorry about the difficult time you are going through. I am sure that it is one that only someone else who has gone through it could fully understand but know that there are many who care.
My prayer is for you to find the support that you need to handle the tough times ahead. And if the blogger community can be even a small part of your support network, go for it.
My best.
Dana
liz, my heart goes out to you..i feel your pain and understand your fears and sadness, as i am going thru the same with my hubby... hopefully you can find help, soon.. wishing you the peace that comes with painting... please find time to take care of you..
Dear Liz,
Just read your story and cried again. It was like watching HBO special The Alzheimer's Project.
My Mom live with my brother and from day one with a caregiver.
It is A must.
I am happy that you are looking for some help.I think that the state can help too, with day care program.
It is so important that you take care of your self.
Thanks for sharing this with us you are a wonderful person and a great daughter.
I must add that your Mom looks very happy.
Hang on....
Liz, your mother is so beautiful.
This has to be a painful time. My friend is going through the same experience and she tells me of the hardship. So far, her mother does know who she is but there are many other heartaches.
Hello Liz! You have my complete admiration! What a job you have and I can't even imagine what it would be like to see your beautiful mom disappear before your eyes. Recently I visited a wonderful artist who has apparently penned a book about losing his father to Alzheimer's. I'll leave you a link to his page. I am not sure reading his book would benefit you at all...but still.it is heartening that he, like you, seeks to open up his heart to share his experience. http://www.johnhaugse.com/about.htm
The fabulous thing about art is how it helps everyone. Art heals us all. Keep painting!
God bless you Liz..
My mom had Alzheimer's for 16 years before she passed a year and a half ago. Although, like with your mom, she was mostly pleasant and cheerful, if I had been her caretaker I would have gone insane myself.
My Dad, who loved Mom through it all, took care of her mostly all by himself. Finally about 4 years before she died he accepted that he couldn't do it all (He'll be 91 in September) and hired a caregiver. It was the best thing he did. They went through several over the years, but when she passed he decided to keep the lady who cared for Mom just because. He really doesn't NEED a caregiver so he calls her his assistant. I think it has eased the pain of losing his wife of 65 1/2 years.
If you're able that is something to consider. I know you know how difficult the role of caregiver is. You'll have to conserver yourself too.
By the way... your mom was lovely... and the pink rose in the last post is spectacular!!
What a beautiful lady....
Praying for you, friend. Thanks for your transparency and authenticity. It is priceless.
Hi Liz, I'm sorry to know about the bad moment you're going through (I remembered you mentioned something about your mom's alzheimer before, but very slightly). These are hard times for you, but you have demonstrated that you have the strength to keep going, you are doing so fine with your mother, she is happy, you are a great daughter. At the end, this will only make you even a better person than who you already are. We're here for you...
I admire you for looking after your mother yourself as I was so grateful for the residential home that cared for my mother so well. She was happy until the end. I look at the photographs of her now and try to remember the good times.
Liz, as I write this I have my arms around you and I'm hugging you tight. My mom has been gone since 2004 ... she had Parkinsons for years and slowly slipped away. Her body was still here, being ravaged by the disease, but her mind and spirit were totally gone for at least a year before she died. It is the saddest thing imaginable, to be with someone you love but not be with them at all. Her mind left us slowly over a five year period. My dad insisted on taking care of her, and it wore him out. He died two years after she did. Now I just remember the good times and miss them both every day.
I guess all you can do is laugh to yourself at the ludicrousness of it all and then hug her and tell her you love her. You really need help to take care of her. I wish you well and you will be in my prayers.
My heart goes out to you. -Sending good vibes your way!
You are an incredible strong and loving person. More often than not family members are put into nursing homes way sooner. I commend you for your dedication to your mother!
Hi Liz,
I tried sending an e-mail, and comment, for some reason didn't go through.
After reading about your Mom, my admiration for you is not only in your artistic ability but also in your strength as loving devoted daughter. God Bless you.
Liz, thanks for posting the wonderful photos of your mom. What a beautiful lady (as is her daughter).
Liz, I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy for you and your family. This is as cruel a disease as there is, mainly for the loved ones close to the afflicted person. I know you know all that, but sometimes it helps to hear it. My own father spent the last of his days well cared for in home, never believing there was anything wrong with him. It is you, the caregiver, with the biggest burden here, and I wish you well and peace. These are some wonderful photos that represent somre very fond memories I'm sure. Getting help is absolutely the best thing for everyone here. All the very best my friend.
Liz, your mom is beautiful! While I can't imagine what you are going through, I'm sure that was quite a blow to have her ask your name. I so hope that you are able to get some respite care and be able to get a few moments for yourself. Blessings to you and your mom.
The good thing about blogging is you can pour it all out without fear of judgment and get lots of support from people you will never meet.
My heart goes out to you. Losing your mother a bit at a time is tragic. I hope you find someone kind and loving to help with the load.
A dear family friend who took care of her husband for many years confessed that the hardest part was the endless repetition of questions and answers. Like you, she tried to keep her sense of humor, but it wears you down. You are so wise to get some help -- without time for yourself, you can't give her your best care.
I have to say I giggled at the idea that she wanted a riding lawnmower. Do you have any idea what planted that notion?
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. We all need to support each other when times are difficult.
Thank you all, dear friends for your understanding and words of encouragement. It means the world. Thank you.
Oh, Liz, thank you for sharing your heart with us. I do not know what to say, it has all been said so beautifully already. Please know I am thinking of you, praying for you, and so very grateful for this community of friends...as you take care of Mom, please take care of yourself.
I will contact you through messaging or e-mail soon. Take care, Angela
Liz,its really a difficult time you are going through and its good that you shared this with all of us 'cause it really helps.God bless you and your mom.She looks so lovely!
My husband's father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's early in life and it was a struggle for his family those last few years as everything slipped away from his father's memory. They had to take on a caregiver to be able to keep their sanity and as the disease progressed they entrusted him to hospice care. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you just can't take it all on on your own. It's a demanding full time job and one that requires more than one helping hand. If you can, you should plan for some "time off" to recharge your batteries.
Liz, your many friends and blog fans have missed you! I wondered if something was going on in your life since you haven't been around in a while. We all miss your warm, informative, and encouraging posts and comments. You and your mom are living every parents and every child's nightmare..none of us want to be a burden on anyone. I was teary when reading your Mother's Day posts, but also laughing at the riding mower! Keep the laughs coming, to keep your sanity. God speed on this journey! Peace be with you and your lovely mom!
Hi Liz,
I can't imagine what that must be like. I'm not sure how I would handle that if my mom wasn't able to remember me. I guess that would be heart breaking. The worst thing I've been through so far is having my dad die and to see what it did to my mom. It was really hard for her but she made it through. And so will you. Yes, thank the almighty for friends:)
Thanks for sharing that personal story with the rest of us. If I can help you in anyway, please let me know.
Liz, I am so sorry you are going through this with your mother. I lost my mom last year and no bond is stronger than the love a mother has for a child. No one else loves us quite the same. You probably feel you are losing her even though she is still lyllionright there.
Be brave, Liz.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us Liz. You are an amazing and strong person, and must have been raised by a loving and beautiful mother! Keep the balance in your life as much as you can.
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through, Liz - I can't even imagine. Please know that my thought are with you and that I greatly admire your strength and dedication. Take care.
Edward
thank you for posting this...
the beauty of your mother
and the hope, sorrow, hope.
prayers, peace~
Chuck
Liz, you are a part of a very caring community.
Please know that I wish the best outcome for you. I have no idea what that will be, but God knew what it would be long before it happened. Keep your faith strong.
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Liz, This helped me so much to read your post. Thank you for writing it. I'm on the cusp of that situation with both my parents and feeling like I'm painting as fast as i can. Painting may have to stop in order to help them full time, not part time as I am now. I'm finally living my dream and yet the desire to be useful to Mom and to Dad will end it or modify it drastically. Mom still knows who I am, but I know the day is coming when she won't. Dad may not be able to care for her much longer.
I need to remember there are options and friends to help me weigh them. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I send thoughts of peace and clarity.
Liz, my heart goes out to you. I too am glad you mentioned what you are going through here, and I hope some of the responses have helped you. I was the caretaker for my great aunt who spent her last few months with the beginning symptoms of alzheimer's (she was such a character and a grand lady, but she always called it All-Hammers). She became very angry with everyone around her because she was afraid and confused. I'm so glad your mom remains in good spirits. Maybe it is all she can do to keep showing you her love for you is still there.
sending many hugs and prayers for support...
Liz, health issues break into our lives and where does that put our art-making endeavors? More to the point, there are no boxes, and we are affected by those dearest to us.Your post is welcomed, Liz. Yes,
this is where we are, this is your reality. Your mom is the dear one.
Strength and love to you, Liz. He holds us, kisses our cheeks, wipes our tears, and lets us cry all night.
Oh Liz. As tears roll down my face, I ache for you. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and let you feel loved and safe and not alone. Thank you for posting this intimate look into your daily life. The 4:00, 4:02 detail makes it sooooo real. I know what it's like to have the "door close" on someone you love, yet have them be still alive, sitting in front of you asking you who you are. I'm going through it long distance with my dad right now and the phone calls with him are a form of torture. I am sooooo very sorry for you. I am here, lee@painterlee.com if you need anything and I will pray for you daily. My prayer will be that you see and experience God in a fresh new way each and every day, so that something wonderful will surprise you and help you survive this
heart-wrenching struggle.
"For He shall give His angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they will bear you up....." Psalm 91:11
(((Liz))) I remember the day my Dad didn't know who I was. What an awful disease. Definetly keep a sense of humor. You're feelinglike you are on the edge of a precipise and looking into the universe I totally relate too. My parents decided to pass 6 days apart and that was my experience. Always thought I would do a painting of it..You ar so not alone. I'll be thinking of you and your beautiful Mum. Give her a special hug from all of us.
Be strong Liz.
This is a lovely tribute to your mom and says a lot about how caring, kind and loving you are.
Wishing you comfort in your memories of your mom,
Faye
Oh Liz, my heart goes out to you and your mom! I know how heartbreaking it is to see someone you love change dramatically. I wish there were words I could write to ease your workload and help your mom remember. The photos you posted of her are lovely!
Liz!
This post brought tears to my eyes.
First off, never apologize for talking about things other than your artwork.
It's your blog after all, and life and art go hand in hand. What affects one clearly affects the other.
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It sounds like a stressful situation that eats up a lot of your time and concentration.
Maybe the in-home agencies will help.
You just hang in there and keep painting!
Oh, and for what it's worth, the photo of your mother in her wedding dress is priceless!
-Dean
I am sorry now that I hadn't checked your blog site in a while and missed this post. I can tell you from all the comments you have received you truely have a lot of friends out there. My heart goes out to you too. I saw where one post asked you to remember to be sure and take care of yourself most importatntly as you go through this situation. I could not agree more.
My sister lives with my mom who is 87. Is fine as far as most things go but is nearly blind and has severe hearing loss. My sister works long hours and I know it is hard for her as she almost has no life of her own. They live in New Mexico and far from other siblings. She is our hero.
My sincerest thanks to all for your words of encouragement. I am so grateful to you each.
Liz
My earnest prayers to you, dear one and brave soul.
Liz,
I wish there were something I could do to ease your burden... if I were closer, I would take your mom for walks, or let you go for walks while I looked after her. Then there would be the times we would just sit, have coffee, laugh and cry together. I don't understand what it is like to live with this tragic disease, but I am a good listener, and a great shoulder to lean on. Because I am not close to where you live, I will simply pray for you, and offer you my "internet ear" for you to use at any time! My husband's dad has Parkinson's - quite closely related to Alzheimer's. May today be a day of peace for you.
Thanks for sharing your story. I admire you for the care you give your mom. My father and FIL have been diagnosed, and I'm bracing myself. Peace and strength to you! Remember to care for yourself as lovingly as you do for beautiful Mom.
Hey Liz, my thoughts are with you. Just keep that creative spark going and always think about what makes you happy.
What a beautiful woman, who looks to have had a wonderful life and still does thanks to a wonderful daughter who she was also blessed with.
I have read and listened to much dialogue about the difficulties of caring for a family member with Alzheimers.I think you did a great thing by posting the situation here on your blog. It is not only a tribute to her as well as a way to vent a little for you, but the support of all your followers is something that anyone could use in a tough situation as yours.
Sounds to me like your going to be handling it as well as anyone could be expected to and anytime you wish to posy about it I will certainly be interested in knowing how it is coming along for you both.
Best wishes to both of you.
Liz, I have nothing to offer that others have not already given. Just know that you have our respect and that you are not alone.
Liz, a friend informed me of your blog. I'm caring for my mom, too. She has dementi(Lewy body, not Alzheimer's) and Parkinson's. Most days she does not remember my name. This morning, she did not even remember her name. BLESS YOU for loving your mom enough to sacrifice so much to care for her now.
I found GREAT help from our local Alzheimer's association. They had meetings once a month and support groups. I was not able to attend the support groups, but the meetings taught me VERY helpful information, taught me what to expect, gave me resources, even info on how to handle holidays. Do call them for help! They're great.
I also learned that hiring sitters every week help me keep perspective. Getting out for a few hours once or twice a week helps both of us: even my mom needs a break from me occasionally!
Grieving is a part of loving. May God give you strength to do both.
Your Mom is beautiful.
'I feel I'm standing at the edge of a dark abyss, screaming into an empty universe.'
I don't think that sounds dramatic at all.
I also think you are going though a horrible illness maybe not in your body but in your heart too.
Love Renee xoxo
Oh, Liz, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom and your situation. Both of my parents have passed and it's never easy no matter how it happens, but at least I had siblings to help.
Please take time to take care of yourself. It's so very important and I'm sure your mom wouldn't want it any other way.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Liz, I am so sorry to read about all you are going through with your dear mother. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several months ago and you have so poignantly captured the sad nature of the disease.
I am heartened by the fact that you are maintaining your sense of humor and that you will be getting some in-home assistance. I know having more time to paint will do wonders for your your own well-being.
Thank you for sharing your situation with us, and for including pictures. I especially like the Thailand photo. Your mom looks so radiant and happy!
Your Mum is beautiful, love the photographs. Thank you for posting, this illness affects so many families and lives, but its your personal thoughts written down that allow people in general aware of the real deal. Love to you and your Mum. Lindax
Hi Liz...I'm sory about your mother, but you need to be strong. I lost my dad 3 years ago ( he had Alzheimmer for 10 years..).And my mother-in-law died last year, she had Parkinson. It's a stressful situation but please..don't forget to take care of yourself, recharge your batteries, I know your problem very well... and anything you need, please, tell us about it.We will support you!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Liz. Sorry I'm just now getting around to reading it. Your Mom is so beautiful. Thank you for the pictures of her in happier times.
Watching our parents age and losing them is so hard and Alzheimers has to be one of the cruelest ways to lose a loved one. You lose them before you lose them if you know what I mean. My dear Aunt had it and it was just heartbreaking.
I'll be praying for you to receive the help and comfort you need. Hope you'll remember that all of us in this wonderful blog community are always here for you.(((Hugs)))
I just read this post Liz , although I dont know you at all appart from your few post I have read, I still want to share my heart with you and wish you strength and endurance through this difficult time. How precious it is to read your thoughts which are real and true, expressing the depths of your hurts. How precious must your relationship be with your mum and yourself, at this most difficult time.I pray Gods strength be with you both!
Annie
Annie.
I just stumbled on your blog, and, Liz, I love your work. This post is really a good one, because we, as artists, are MORE than just artists, and the things that happen in our lives, the issues we deal with, influence our work. So sorry your Mom forgot your name on MOTHER'S day, to make it more poignant. You are a good daughter, and it's hard to watch your parent slide. I only had my dad living with me for 2 years, and the 2nd year I could not STOP complaining to my friends. I just wanted him to get better, even though I knew in my heart this would not happen. Lean on your friends, and continue to be there as much as you can for your Mom. Unless you've been there you can't understand how difficult this is.. sending you strength....
Hi I just found your blog by accident and wanted to say that I really love your art. When I got to this post about your mom I thought maybe you might be comforted in some way by my cyber-friend gnightgirl. http://lovinlamamaloca.blogspot.com/
Best of luck.
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